Get Over It

I was having a conversation the other day with a friend. She was sharing some thoughts and feelings about a work situation, feeling frustrated at how emotional she was. She said, "I just need to get over it."

Does this sound familiar? I just need to get over it, get past it, get on with it. I need to grow up, buck up, shut up. Just can it, stuff it, put a lid on it. All variations on a theme: if you don't like what's going on in you, push it away.

I asked my friend, "How do you do that?"

"What?"

"Get over it. How do you 'get over it.'"

"Well, I just have to forget about it, you know, keep myself together..."

"Okay. But how do you do that?"

She saw that I was going to be persistent. She looked a little dismayed and stumped.

I went on, "I know when I've tried to 'get over it,' the emotion, the feelings, and the judgments that come with them, never really go away. There is always some residue of resentment, or anger, or sadness. So ... I'm just wondering ... how you do it."

How does one "get over it?"

In my view, the big problem here is not the desire to be done with the feelings. The big problem is the self-judgment I have in the moment I say "I've just got to get over it." Think about when you have said it. What was the force behind the question? For me it is frustration, anger, bitterness. And so if that is how I feel when I "just get over it," then what have I really accomplished for myself? Not much. But this is how I went through a lot of my life. And I can tell you, I was one angry, frustrated, bitter guy. I wasn't much fun to be around, but the worst of it was that I didn't like myself, I didn't like being me.

I have found a way to work through these challenging situations that is more self-affirming and gentle than "Stuff-It Mode." I'll break this down for you.

First, I came to the point where I finally accepted responsibility for what I experience in life, feelings and all. My experience happens in me, not "out there." I often do desire to pass this responsibility over to the fellow that "made me so mad!" But when I get into that place of blaming the world (my circumstances) for my reactive state, I have to ask myself, if he's responsible for my anger, who is responsible for my happiness?

Someone once asked me, with a stirred up voice, "You're telling me that I am to blame for how pissed off I am? He's the one that did this to me."

Let's be clear: I am not blaming you or me or anyone or anything. I am talking about responsibility. Some people hear "blame" when they hear the word "responsibility." This is an important distinction to have. They are not the same. Blame comes from judgment that I have. Responsibility comes from a place of self-love. When I blame, I am powerless. When I am responsible, I am powerful.

So what happens when I take responsibility? What is so powerful about it? Choice. I get to choose. I choose the experience I have in every moment.

I can hear it now: “What!? I did not choose to be upset. It ... it just happened...” Well, no. Nothing “just happens.” I know that the choice I make in this kind of circumstance is unconscious, that is, I just seem to react. It doesn’t really feel like a choice. I feel powerless over it. But if it is a choice, then I have the power to make a different choice.

So, if instead of trying to push the circumstance away, I now move toward it, I can explore it with curiosity and without judgment. As I give attention to this reaction I am experiencing, I can find the source of the choice I have made concerning this kind of circumstance. Perhaps it is a way to defend myself that I learned early in my life. I can understand how I made that choice, and notice that it is not helpful now. I might begin to see how the choices I made then are running my life now.

In this light, I can now look at my life in each moment and know that it is my way home. Nothing has gone wrong. I am always at choice. Everything that “comes up” offers me an opportunity to become more awake, more conscious and more alive.

I have discovered that gentleness and mercy toward myself are necessary. I like to think of this as embracing my emotions. Taking them to myself. Understanding them. Honoring the choices that I made in the past, that I have now brought to consciousness. Embracing those choices, and then choosing again. Until I assume responsibility for all my choices, conscious and unconscious, I will be “under the circumstances.” As I embrace my life, move toward it, I can always choose again.


For more, see The Way Of Mastery.