I Am Content

This year,  I have experienced contentment for the first time in my life. I’ve been happy. I’ve been enthusiastic and excited. I’ve been in love and peaceful and joyful. But contentment was not among my experiences until this year.

I even looked the word up to make sure this was the right word for what I was experiencing. The dictionary said “content” means “satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.” Yep. That’s it. I have never been satisfied with what I have; I have never not wanted more. But today, I am content.

I run in circles that talk about abundance, and how to get more out of life and following my passion or my bliss or my longing. All of it is fabulous. But contentment, for me, is better.

I had a bit of a hard time with this at first. Contentment was simply off my emotional map. I could talk about it, even pretend that I had it, but when it came, I wasn’t sure how to navigate the experience of it. Does that sound odd? It does to me too. But then I remember how driven I have been in my life.

In the year 2000 I entered into what might be called my “mid-life crisis.” I lost my job that I really liked. Got a new job I didn’t. Divorce. Debt. Addiction. I gave up the first house I ever bought. All of this brought me down to bottom, several times. But I started taking a look at my life.

This wasn’t the first time I had examined my life, but it was the first time I ever did it with some humility. I had learned to play the victim with finesse. I was real good at it because I knew that I was a victim. But I was brought up short one day after a talk with my therapist. I realized that - out of all the things that have happened in my life, out of all the relationships, out of all the times I felt I had been wronged or overlooked - out of all those experiences I was the only common denominator.

This was uncomfortable, but there was something in this idea that felt powerful. As I looked back over my life I saw how I had always been on the hunt. I was always looking for something that I could never quite identify, because any time I got what thought I wanted, it never turned out to be what fulfilled the need. During one period (of about twenty years), I moved (family and all) about that same number of times. I spent money I didn’t have. I never got the recognition at work or in ministry I felt I deserved through all my efforts. I wanted something. My life was consumed with wanting anything until I found it.

I can’t tell what my secret for getting contentment is. I don’t have one, and I’m not sure there is a follow-the-dots kind of secret to getting there. I’m not even sure that contentment is something one “gets.” Like I said before, “content” wasn’t on my emotional map, and I never had the thought, “Contentment! That’s what I want! I’m going to affirm and work my way there.” One day while sitting in my backyard with my wife, Sandora, drinking a cold Bud Light, I looked at her and said, “I am content.” When I said it, I was filled with gratitude for knowing this. I had never put a word to this experience I had been having until now.

For me, contentment is about my soul that I have nurtured and heard, and how my soul fills my heart and mind with love. Before Sandora, I don’t think I knew what love was. With her, it seemed like all these hollow places were being touched and filled. Also, she is an open recipient to the love I extended to her, and that, I found, filled me as well.

I have a new way of being around giving and receiving. For me, giving is an act of surrender, of giving over to the hands of a loving universe what I seem to possess. The receiving part was the big awakening for me. Receiving is not about getting. Getting requires work. Receiving requires grace. If giving is about surrender, then receiving is about allowing.

I’ve worked plenty hard to get what I thought I wanted. But it was not until I gave up the work - the struggle, the effort, the striving - that I could experience allowing. I don’t mean that I have stopped going to work, or to church, or that I just sit around waiting for money to materialize. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have a goal, or a vision, or a plan. I just know that contentment is not found through these aspects of living. I still want to do my workshops, my coaching, my ministry. I still want to go camping, and enjoy friends’ company, and cook a nice meal. But I don’t need any of this. My “wanting” has no drivenness in it. It is simple, pure desire that helps me experience more grace, newness and fulfillment. All I do is allow it to occur with no need for it to occur.

I think I began feeling content when I made a decision to stay in the home we now live in. This will be the place Sandora and I live the rest of our lives. It felt very different to make such a decision because wanting to move on to the next thing or the next place was “in my blood.” But I began to settle into it. We started doing things together around the house that made it more comfortable, and pleasant. We cleaned out rooms and the garage, and got rid of a lot of belongings. We have completely changed the look of our backyard. It used to be a square patch of lawn. Now it is becoming a sunny and shady garden sanctuary. We grow our vegetables, and just get so excited when they first pop up out of the ground, and get bigger and bigger, and when we harvest them, and eat them.

Now all of this may sound like a lot of work, and it is. But I do not work to be content anymore. My work is an expression of it, and that is a huge distinction.

Sure, there are days that this contentment seems to evaporate.  I can get caught up in the struggle and toil. I have a way of looking at this that has really helped. The struggle, the anxiety, the upsets - all these are clouds passing through my experience of life. Clouds always move. They are simply blown away. The sun always is there. I don’t have to do anything. And I certainly don’t have to identify with the clouds.

My brother, Douglas, gave me a poem back during the time that I was on my way to the bottom. “The Truelove,” by David Whyte, has been with me all along. It has been a rudder for me in my travels through this life, to this contentment. I offer it to you.

The Truelove

By David Whyte

There is a faith in loving fiercely

the one who is rightfully yours,

especially if you have

waited years and especially

if part of you never believed

you could deserve this

loved and beckoning hand

held out to you this way.

I am thinking of faith now

and the testaments of loneliness

and what we feel we are

worthy of in this world.

Years ago in the Hebrides

I remember an old man

who walked every morning

on gray stones

to the shore of baying seals,

who would press his hat

to his chest in the blustering

salt wind and say his prayer

to the turbulent Jesus

hidden in the water,

and I think of the story

of the storm and everyone

waking and seeing

the distant

yet familiar figure

far across the water

calling to them,

and how we are all

preparing for that

abrupt waking,

and that calling,

and that moment

we have to say yes,

except it will

not come so grandly,

so Biblically,

but more subtly

and intimately in the face

of the one you know

you have to love,

so that when

we finally step out of the boat

toward them, we find

everything holds

us, and everything confirms

our courage, and if you wanted

to drown you could,

but you don’t

because finally

after all this struggle

and all these years,

you don’t want to any more,

you’ve simply had enough

of drowning,

and you want to live and you

want to love and you will

walk across any territory

and any darkness,

however fluid and however

dangerous, to take the

one hand you know

belongs in yours.

The House Of Belonging, by David Whyte. 1996, Many Rivers Press.

Get Over It

I was having a conversation the other day with a friend. She was sharing some thoughts and feelings about a work situation, feeling frustrated at how emotional she was. She said, "I just need to get over it."

Does this sound familiar? I just need to get over it, get past it, get on with it. I need to grow up, buck up, shut up. Just can it, stuff it, put a lid on it. All variations on a theme: if you don't like what's going on in you, push it away.

I asked my friend, "How do you do that?"

"What?"

"Get over it. How do you 'get over it.'"

"Well, I just have to forget about it, you know, keep myself together..."

"Okay. But how do you do that?"

She saw that I was going to be persistent. She looked a little dismayed and stumped.

I went on, "I know when I've tried to 'get over it,' the emotion, the feelings, and the judgments that come with them, never really go away. There is always some residue of resentment, or anger, or sadness. So ... I'm just wondering ... how you do it."

How does one "get over it?"

In my view, the big problem here is not the desire to be done with the feelings. The big problem is the self-judgment I have in the moment I say "I've just got to get over it." Think about when you have said it. What was the force behind the question? For me it is frustration, anger, bitterness. And so if that is how I feel when I "just get over it," then what have I really accomplished for myself? Not much. But this is how I went through a lot of my life. And I can tell you, I was one angry, frustrated, bitter guy. I wasn't much fun to be around, but the worst of it was that I didn't like myself, I didn't like being me.

I have found a way to work through these challenging situations that is more self-affirming and gentle than "Stuff-It Mode." I'll break this down for you.

First, I came to the point where I finally accepted responsibility for what I experience in life, feelings and all. My experience happens in me, not "out there." I often do desire to pass this responsibility over to the fellow that "made me so mad!" But when I get into that place of blaming the world (my circumstances) for my reactive state, I have to ask myself, if he's responsible for my anger, who is responsible for my happiness?

Someone once asked me, with a stirred up voice, "You're telling me that I am to blame for how pissed off I am? He's the one that did this to me."

Let's be clear: I am not blaming you or me or anyone or anything. I am talking about responsibility. Some people hear "blame" when they hear the word "responsibility." This is an important distinction to have. They are not the same. Blame comes from judgment that I have. Responsibility comes from a place of self-love. When I blame, I am powerless. When I am responsible, I am powerful.

So what happens when I take responsibility? What is so powerful about it? Choice. I get to choose. I choose the experience I have in every moment.

I can hear it now: “What!? I did not choose to be upset. It ... it just happened...” Well, no. Nothing “just happens.” I know that the choice I make in this kind of circumstance is unconscious, that is, I just seem to react. It doesn’t really feel like a choice. I feel powerless over it. But if it is a choice, then I have the power to make a different choice.

So, if instead of trying to push the circumstance away, I now move toward it, I can explore it with curiosity and without judgment. As I give attention to this reaction I am experiencing, I can find the source of the choice I have made concerning this kind of circumstance. Perhaps it is a way to defend myself that I learned early in my life. I can understand how I made that choice, and notice that it is not helpful now. I might begin to see how the choices I made then are running my life now.

In this light, I can now look at my life in each moment and know that it is my way home. Nothing has gone wrong. I am always at choice. Everything that “comes up” offers me an opportunity to become more awake, more conscious and more alive.

I have discovered that gentleness and mercy toward myself are necessary. I like to think of this as embracing my emotions. Taking them to myself. Understanding them. Honoring the choices that I made in the past, that I have now brought to consciousness. Embracing those choices, and then choosing again. Until I assume responsibility for all my choices, conscious and unconscious, I will be “under the circumstances.” As I embrace my life, move toward it, I can always choose again.


For more, see The Way Of Mastery.

Prayer given for California State Senate, August 27, 2010

California State Senate, August 27, 2010
Guest Chaplain Rev. Stephen Gilbert

Prayer

The well-known Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu said this:

“In this world, there is nothing softer or thinner than water. But to compel the hard and unyielding, it has no equal. That the weak overcomes the strong, that the hard gives way to the gentle -- this everyone knows. Yet no one asks accordingly.”

I sense the truth in this, that the “hard gives way to the gentle.” But what is it that I ask for? Do I pray that the ends that I strive for and believe in be accomplished? Of course, but I am pretty sure that this is done on a regular basis.

So I assert that the question Lao Tzu alludes to must go to the how of it. The question is:

How might I find the gentleness, the softness, the humility in me needed to accomplish the task at hand?

How might these qualities be expressed through me that we might move forward to the fulfillment of our responsibilities?

So let’s ask now:

Our Father, God, The Presence in whom we live and move and have our being, I ask you to reveal to each in this chamber this morning that place in them to which no harm has ever come. For it is in that place that each may find their gentleness, softness and humility. I ask you to work in them to bring forth these qualities of character in their work together. For it is these qualities that have no equal.

May You bless this day, this legislative body, and the State of California.

Amen.

http://senweb03.senate.ca.gov/chaplain/scprayerarchive.asp

Reality and Experience

There is a phrase that is used quite a bit in new thought circles: "I create my reality." I understand what meaning is intended, but the word “reality” is not the right word to use. The more precise statement would be: "I create my experience." I was making this point at a workshop a few months ago. One of the participants said to me "Reality... Experience... What's the difference?" Let's explore this distinction, which is fundamental and huge.

Reality is what is true always about me, about you, about all events, and about the nature of the universe. I do not create my reality. That is already done. The truth that is true always - reality -  is established.

 

Experience - my experience - is how I perceive reality. I do create my experience, and I do it moment-to-moment. My experience is neither reality nor truth. It just is. It is what it is because of how I choose to perceive the world.

A really good question to ask right now is, “What is reality?” That is, what is the truth that is true always? Famously, Pontius Pilate asked this very question of Jesus before handing him over to the crowd to be crucified. He asked it in a sarcastic way, which is unfortunate, because he was asking a person that could have answered the question. So let’s ask it now, sincerely.

What is the truth that is true always?

• The truth that is true always is that God is love.
• The truth that is true always is that all of creation is birthed out of this source: God, Love... including you and me.
• The truth that is true always is that all events are neutral, not good or bad, positive or negative, right or wrong. These are judgments we place upon the events.
• The truth that is true always is that I am always at choice to perceive reality as I desire. So are you.
• (There are other truths that are true always, but these tasty little nuggets are enough to munch on right now.)

These are aspects of what is true always. Truth does not depend upon anything for it to be true, not even my belief in it. How I experience truth, is, well...my experience. My experience does not alter the truth, but I can choose to alter my experience.

My experience happens in me, not “out there.” This is something I was never taught, so mostly I give my experience over to my circumstances. I experienced being “under the circumstances.” I have thought my circumstances determined my experience.

This is not true. What is true is that all events (circumstances) are neutral. I give them valence by deciding how I will perceive them. So my experience happens inside me, not “out there.” As a matter of fact, my experience has nothing to do with what is “out there,” and everything to do with what is in me: my beliefs, morals, judgments, assessments, etc.

So what?

One of the very wonderful aspects of consciousness is the ability to witness our lives. We have an ability to be self-aware. We can use this to become observant of how we are perceiving our circumstances. To the degree that we notice the “charge” we give to any situation in life, we are able then to be responsible for our experience, rather than blame the world for it. Since our experience is what we have chosen to make it, out of that responsibility, we can choose again.

We don’t create our reality. We do create our experience.

Experience the joy of this truth!

More about beliefs, morals, judgments and assessments  in subsequent posts. Check back!

For more: The Way Of Mastery

Rilke's Reality

Rainer Rilke lived 51 years, and died in 1926. Look at what he knew within himself way back then. It's not a secret, we just forgot.

The hour is striking so close above me,
so clear and sharp,
that all my senses ring with it.
I feel it now; there’s a power in me
to grasp and give shape to my world.

I know that nothing has ever been real
without my beholding it.
All becoming has needed me.
My looking ripens things
and they come toward me to meet and be met.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

In other words...

The time is now. This moment. It is this moment that is so clear and sharp, so close and so resonant, that when I am present in it my entire being is rings with life and possibility.

When I am present in each moment, I feel powerful. I am powerful with no fear of taking hold of my life. I accept responsibility for it; I own it. And through the power of that ownership, I give shape to my world.

I have had it all backwards. Creation is not cause, it is effect. Creation is not about making the world conform to what I want. The cause is my "beholding." My world is created from the power of my thought. Thought is primary, it is cause. Creation is effect.

All that is "be coming" is directed now by our thought. Becoming is a constant process, the movement of the universe in its expansion. It is the process of creation. "All becoming" needs me to declare what is so, as I step into the moment.

 Life is a practice. We get a lot of do-overs. The difference between this moment and the next is only the width of a thought. As I notice what is so in this moment and own it as my creation from the thoughts I hold, I can choose. Do I desire something else, do I want a different experience? And I can begin to think anew. Many of these moments together "ripen" my creations. They become more fresh, succulent, sweet, juicy, crispy and fragrant. And I meet my life. My life! My life is my way home!

Check out The Way Of Mastery

Experience Is Effect

I had an experience several years ago that literally turned my mental and spiritual life around. I was taking part in a transformational training (that grew out of the EST model of training). Through the interaction I was having with other participants and the trainer, I was experiencing tremendous rage at some things that had occurred in my earlier life. I was seeing how those circumstances had informed all of my emotions and thinking since. As I allowed this howling rage to move, there was a moment that it all suddenly stopped. I collapsed onto the floor. I was very awake, conscious of my surroundings and the people about me. But I was on the floor, curled up, covering my face.

Deep peace came over me; the consuming rage was simply gone. I opened my eyes, but instead of seeing my hands over my face, I saw a great dark expanse of the universe. Slowly a line of light stretched across that darkness. On this line I could see distinctly every event of my life from my moment of birth to this moment on the floor. Then a thought came into my mind. It was very prominent, like when a person speaks, but there was no sound. I just knew that this thought was what I needed to give attention to. The thought was, "It is all perfect."

From that moment, I knew that there has never been a moment in my life that "shouldn't have happened," or that was "wrong." It has taken me a long time since then to understand what I was given in that training room. A lot of that time was spent looking for a way to justify what I had always believed: that I have been at the mercy of my circumstances all my life, a victim of unfortunate events and relationships that should never have happened

This thought, "It is all perfect," just flew in the face of that paradigm. But this is exactly what turned me about. I would like to share what I have come to know.

I have come to know that all my experience is the effect of where I choose to focus the attention of my consciousness.

 The idea that every event in my life was just right, that is was "perfect," was not congruent with what I had held as true. So, if what I held as true was not really true, what was it? It was just a way of seeing what happened. Neither of these ways of looking at my life changed what actually happened, but how I chose to look at what actually happened changed my experience. In other words my experience is the effect of how I choose to see my circumstances.

"The Work" of Byron Katie has been a powerful tool for me in learning this. I refer you to: Katie doing The Work with a woman and Byron Katie Website

In my next post, I will share with you the most powerful practice I know for moving forward on the path of personal and spiritual growth: forgiveness. This is very different from what we have been taught forgiveness is. It is even beyond the current teaching of "Radical Forgiveness." (See About Radical Forgiveness.)

Remember that you are loved, you are loving and you are lovable forever.

What if...?

What if nothing happened by coincidence?

What if that applied to me?
    My birth?
    Every event in my life?
    Every person I ever met or was in relationship with?

What if every experience I ever had was the result of my focused attention?

What if, since nothing happens by coincidence, that it happened because of my choice?

What if the world as I see it now is not caused by anything outside of me?

What if my experience has nothing to do with controlling circumstances?

What if I took responsibility for everything in my life, every experience I ever had or will have.

What if these things were simply self-caused?

What if I thought about responsibility as “I’m to blame?” What if I didn’t?

What if I didn’t need to be right, or to defend my point of view?

What if I could just be curious about everything?

What if I thought of my experience as evidence of what I was really committed to?

What if I decided to commit to something different?

What if I decided to focus on what is in me rather than the effects it creates in the world?

What if there was something more than surviving?

What if I didn’t have to worry about surviving?

What if there was no way I could lose? What if this life wasn’t a test or a competition?

What if I really and truly knew that I am loved?

What if I knew I was safe?

What if I knew that I was innocent?

What if I was not separate from any one or anything?

What if all knowledge, all wisdom, all time, and all love was already in me?

What if I really thought about each of these questions?

What if there was no agenda behind these questions?

What if I was simply, innocently curious about my answers, about what I thought?